And The Winner Is...

Well, that's how they used to say it before Hollywood egos were crushed by the implication that there is a such thing as losers. How did they ever regain their precious self-esteem? How did they sleep in their Bel-Air mansions, Montana ranches, Hamptons beach homes or Aspen chalets all the while crying on their 10,000 count Egyptian cotton sheets? Well, by not claiming anyone is a winner and by not calling it Best Actor, Best Picture, that's how. And apparently by now saying "The Oscar goes to...". Whatever keeps the shrink bills down. This has been going on for a few years now. Frankly, I'm tired of it.

So I'm going old school with my Oscar picks this year. Not only are we bringing back the old nomenclature, but I'm going to revive The Bill Murray method of picking the winners from Weekend Update.

Best Actor
Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Capote"
Terrence Howard in "Hustle & Flow"
Heath Ledger in "Brokeback Mountain"
Joaquin Phoenix in "Walk the Line"
David Strathairn in "Good Night, and Good Luck."

I didn't see any of those movies. But, I figure the gay vote will cancel each other out eliminating Hoffman and Ledger. The elderly and A&E Biography group of Oscar voters will cancel each other out on Strathairn and Phoenix for their portrayals of old, dead guys. That leaves the guilty white liberal bloc to insure victory for Terrence Howard. Good job, T.

Best Actress
Judi Dench in "Mrs. Henderson Presents"
Felicity Huffman in "Transamerica"
Keira Knightley in "Pride & Prejudice"
Charlize Theron in "North Country"
Reese Witherspoon in "Walk the Line"

I didn't see any of these movies, either. Dench is out because NO ONE has even heard of her picture. Keira Knightley in a Jane Austen snoozer, no thanks. Charlize Theron, you've already won one of these for putting on ugly make up. You aren't getting another one just for not wearing makeup. Reese Witherspoon isn't getting one because Sissy Spacek already got the Oscar for playing Loretta Lynn and the Academy really doesn't know the difference. So that's brings it to Huffman, who not only is apparently the only "Desperate Houswife" who can act, but went the extra mile by playing a tranny. Way to cover your bases, Flicka.

Best Supporting Actor
George Clooney in "Syriana"
Matt Dillon in "Crash"
Paul Giamatti in "Cinderella Man"
Jake Gyllenhaal in "Brokeback Mountain"
William Hurt in "A History of Violence"

Nope, didn't see any of these either. Clooney and Dillon cancel each other out pretty-boy quickly. Young Gyllenhaal didn't quite look like he was acting. Bill Hurt, well, nobody likes you. Tough shit. Paul Giamatti got snubbed for Sideways. Look for the Academy to give him the Pity Oscar this year.

Best Supporting Actress
Amy Adams in "Junebug"
Catherine Keener in "Capote"
Frances McDormand in "North Country"
Rachel Weisz in "The Constant Gardener"
Michelle Williams in "Brokeback Mountain"

Again, haven't seen these movies. Waiting until cable or pay per view. Amy Adams. Never heard of you. Never heard of your movie. Sorry kid. Frances you already got one for playing a Minnesotan. You are just fucking greedy. Rachel, people still remember those Mummy pictures you did. Michelle, you married your leading man. Not a lot of acting there. Catherine Keener, now there's a fine actress. I've loved her since that one Seinfeld episode. Look for her to take it in a walk.

Best Director
"Brokeback Mountain" Ang Lee
"Capote" Bennett Miller
"Crash" Paul Haggis
"Good Night, and Good Luck" George Clooney
"Munich" Steven Spielberg

Look, it should be pretty clear that I don't go to the movies a lot anymore. Sure there are clearly some good movies out there, but I just can't stand sitting in the theaters with people who think they are at home watching it on TV. Too much talking and rudeness. So, of course, I didn't see these movies. But it should be obvious that Spielberg, Clooney, Miller and Haggis shouldn't even show up. This is Brokeback's year. Everybody is talking about this picture. You can't turn on the TV, or sit at the bar, or shoot the Vice-President's hunting buddy without someone making a Brokeback reference.

Best Picture
"Brokeback Mountain"
"Capote"
"Crash"
"Good Night, and Good Luck"
"Munich"

See above. Crash is just Grand Canyon without the laughs. Truman Capote has been dead for years and no one cares. Same goes double for Murrow and McCarthy. Stevie Spielberg is never going to have his Oscar thirst slaked. The ones he got for Schindler and Private Ryan should tell him something. Stick with WWII. It's your meal ticket, babe. It's gay cowboys eating pudding this year kids. Count on it.

Tune in March 5th to see just how right I am. I forget what channel. Probably ABC.